Sometime in September (I think), I got high with my boyfriend at the time (we'll call him J). But it was a different kind of high than I had gotten before. Normally I would smoke just enough to get a little buzz. This time, J told me to take an extra hit. I did. It was too much. Now, I don't want to say it was too much, because the feeling it gave me was amazing. I was crying and laughing and the weed hit me really hard. I started swaying and the room felt like it was spinning. My eyes sealed themselves shut and I fell back on the bed as J put on some Bob Marley. I felt myself twitching, fighting back against the feeling. I didn't know if I had passed out or was just tripping balls. I could hear J in the background talking. In a 9x9 room, it sounded like he was yelling from 50 feet away. My body felt heavy, my mind was going crazy. Images were starting to form in my brain.I could hear my subconscious telling me to relax. Like the voices in my head wanted me to chill out and enjoy what was about to happen. Eventually, I was able to let go. My mind wandered to places it's never been before. I felt my heartbeat. It was slow and heavy. I was in a place of total relaxation. I wasn't thinking about anything. I didn't have to. It was in a beautiful place. My mind was free.
I crave this feeling all the time now. But I am scared of chasing after it because I know eventually that would go away. The first time is always the best time, because it's something you have never experienced before. It's new. I'm at a time now where the feeling won't go away. I don't smoke every day and I only just recently started doing it. So I still have awhile before it won't appeal to me anymore.
The first time I had this feeling, all I could do was enjoy it. Until I was pulled out of that state by J. But still, it was nice not having control. It was nice not having to think about anything. Recently, I tried to reach that state of relaxation again. But this time, I wanted to document it. I wanted to write about what I was feeling as I was feeling it. That did not go as planned. I thought my mind would be open and I would think about things differently. This did happen, but not in the way I had intended. I thought I would maybe think about current events, news, the universe. But that didn't happen.
Written statement about what it's like being high after getting high:
I'm trying to work on relaxing. I overthink everything.
I like being high because I can only focus on one thing at a time. Last night, I wanted to document what I was feeling and going through, I was doing a task [showering] but it was like my body was on autopilot, while my brain was thinking. But it was thinking differently. I thought about things I don't usually think about. Things that were right in front of me. In the shower, my perception was off. Things felt farther away. And when I would turn around to rinse, everything felt like slow motion.
When I got into bed, I wanted to write down how I was feeling. I started off writing just anything so I could get my brain working. That's how I always start writing. But as my head started thinking, I became aware of what I was trying to do [remember; I said I could only focus on one thing at a time]. Then something weird happened. I could feel energy moving throughout my body, rushing to my head. There was so much energy, it became painful. As I was writing, I was trying really hard to focus. But it was like my body started fighting me. I started twitching and my handwriting looks just awful. My head started pounding. My mind and my body start fighting each other. [Once again,] I can hear my subconscious telling me to relax. Eventually, my subconscious takes over. I close my eyes. I hear the music. I can feel my heart beating slowly. My breathing moves to the beat of the music. My mind projects crazy images to my eyelids. Rainbows, animals, people, illusions. Things I've never seen before. My conscious mind tries to take over and that's when I realize, I think too much. I need to relax.
This was me trying to explain the feeling I had while high. But I think it's one of those things you can't really explain. It's something you have to experience for yourself. But I wouldn't recommend doing it all the time.
So above, we have me trying to write as I was extremely high.
"You are good. Mean people hurt you. And you shouldn't let them.
When you hear a song, you feel what it means to the universe.
As you're doing a task, you can feel the surface you're sitting on.
Your mind can make you feel your physical body. You can feel your party.
You think about something you should do. You then think about the event
Your mind thinks too fast
My mind is going crazy.. Thinking too much.
Trying what is...
[this is when I finally relaxed]
When you come out of a trance on your own, you see your own flaw. I overthink everything but I think my overthinking is reasonable.
I need to relax
The music gets intense
Then you start to fight your body
The music gets louder.."
All I can say is the feeling is amazing and you learn a lot about yourself. I learned that I need to stop overthinking and just chill. The day after I had this experience was a great day, even though there were negative things happening in my life, that doesn't mean I am having a bad life. There is absolutely no reason on this gorgeous earth that I shouldn't be smiling. I have every reason to smile. I have good friends. I'm alive and well. There is good on earth. Overcoming anxiety is hard. I know. It's okay to seek out help. It's okay to be anxious. The future is scary. But we can't forget to live in the moment. The future will happen no matter what. Don't spend so much time worrying and forget to live your life. Years will go by and you will miss it. Live with a positive attitude and good things will happen. I promise, it gets better.
- Rachael
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