It's Okay To Be Happy

I struggle every single day with overthinking things. I have terrible anxiety. I freak out and worry about every little thing. I would like to share some experiences I've had while I was under the influence of marijuana. I would like to put in a little disclaimer here. Marijuana is illegal in the state of Texas and I do not recommend doing anything illegal. IF you happen to do anything illegal and get caught by the authorities, do not get mad and complain that you hate cops. They are doing their job. Don't hate cops because YOU did something illegal. Also, don't do drugs. At least, not until they're legalized. I am all for legalization, but this post is not about that. Yes I realize this is hypocritical. I just wanted to throw that in there. Back up son.

Sometime in September (I think), I got high with my boyfriend at the time (we'll call him J). But it was a different kind of high than I had gotten before. Normally I would smoke just enough to get a little buzz. This time, J told me to take an extra hit. I did. It was too much. Now, I don't want to say it was too much, because the feeling it gave me was amazing. I was crying and laughing and the weed hit me really hard. I started swaying and the room felt like it was spinning. My eyes sealed themselves shut and I fell back on the bed as J put on some Bob Marley. I felt myself twitching, fighting back against the feeling. I didn't know if I had passed out or was just tripping balls. I could hear J in the background talking. In a 9x9 room, it sounded like he was yelling from 50 feet away. My body felt heavy, my mind was going crazy. Images were starting to form in my brain.I could hear my subconscious telling me to relax. Like the voices in my head wanted me to chill out and enjoy what was about to happen. Eventually, I was able to let go. My mind wandered to places it's never been before. I felt my heartbeat. It was slow and heavy. I was in a place of total relaxation. I wasn't thinking about anything. I didn't have to. It was in a beautiful place. My mind was free.

I crave this feeling all the time now. But I am scared of chasing after it because I know eventually that would go away. The first time is always the best time, because it's something you have never experienced before. It's new. I'm at a time now where the feeling won't go away. I don't smoke every day and I only just recently started doing it. So I still have awhile before it won't appeal to me anymore.

The first time I had this feeling, all I could do was enjoy it. Until I was pulled out of that state by J. But still, it was nice not having control. It was nice not having to think about anything. Recently, I tried to reach that state of relaxation again. But this time, I wanted to document it. I wanted to write about what I was feeling as I was feeling it. That did not go as planned. I thought my mind would be open and I would think about things differently. This did happen, but not in the way I had intended. I thought I would maybe think about current events, news, the universe. But that didn't happen.

Written statement about what it's like being high after getting high:
I'm trying to work on relaxing. I overthink everything.
I like being high because I can only focus on one thing at a time. Last night, I wanted to document what I was feeling and going through, I was doing a task [showering] but it was like my body was on autopilot, while my brain was thinking. But it was thinking differently. I thought about things I don't usually think about. Things that were right in front of me. In the shower, my perception was off. Things felt farther away. And when I would turn around to rinse, everything felt like slow motion.
When I got into bed, I wanted to write down how I was feeling. I started off writing just anything so I could get my brain working. That's how I always start writing. But as my head started thinking, I became aware of what I was trying to do [remember; I said I could only focus on one thing at a time]. Then something weird happened. I could feel energy moving throughout my body, rushing to my head. There was so much energy, it became painful. As I was writing, I was trying really hard to focus. But it was like my body started fighting me. I started twitching and my handwriting looks just awful. My head started pounding. My mind and my body start fighting each other. [Once again,] I can hear my subconscious telling me to relax. Eventually, my subconscious takes over. I close my eyes. I hear the music. I can feel my heart beating slowly. My breathing moves to the beat of the music. My mind projects crazy images to my eyelids. Rainbows, animals, people, illusions. Things I've never seen before. My conscious mind tries to take over and that's when I realize, I think too much. I need to relax. 

This was me trying to explain the feeling I had while high. But I think it's one of those things you can't really explain. It's something you have to experience for yourself. But I wouldn't recommend doing it all the time.

So above, we have me trying to write as I was extremely high.
"You are good. Mean people hurt you. And you shouldn't let them.
When you hear a song, you feel what it means to the universe.
As you're doing a task, you can feel the surface you're sitting on.
Your mind can make you feel your physical body. You can feel your party.
You think about something you should do. You then think about the event
Your mind thinks too fast
My mind is going crazy.. Thinking too much.
Trying what is...

[this is when I finally relaxed]

When you come out of a trance on your own, you see your own flaw. I overthink everything but I think my overthinking is reasonable.
I need to relax
The music gets intense
Then you start to fight your body
The music gets louder.."

All I can say is the feeling is amazing and you learn a lot about yourself. I learned that I need to stop overthinking and just chill. The day after I had this experience was a great day, even though there were negative things happening in my life, that doesn't mean I am having a bad life. There is absolutely no reason on this gorgeous earth that I shouldn't be smiling. I have every reason to smile. I have good friends. I'm alive and well. There is good on earth. Overcoming anxiety is hard. I know. It's okay to seek out help. It's okay to be anxious. The future is scary. But we can't forget to live in the moment. The future will happen no matter what. Don't spend so much time worrying and forget to live your life. Years will go by and you will miss it. Live with a positive attitude and good things will happen. I promise, it gets better.

- Rachael

Domestic Violence

(If you haven't read my post Trust Yourself, Love Yourself, I would go read that before you start this one.)

I would like to write a little testimony type thing about a topic that has recently been placed on my heart. Domestic Violence is a real thing and I'm disappointed to say that I am a victim. We don't always know it at first, but when things start adding up, you realize that you are not to blame for the way you are being treated by your significant other. Abuse is not always physical. It could be verbal, emotional, or sexual. 1 in every 3 women have been abused by a significant other in their life time. Yes, men are also victims of domestic violence.

*DISCLAIMER*
Some of the following incidents (involving rape and abuse) are graphic. I will be going into as much detail as I can. If you are a victim of domestic violence, please call the number provided when you are in a safe environment: 1-800-799-7233. If you are hesitant about calling, please inform a friend or family member that you trust.
(Side note: I understand this is extremely personal and graphic at the same time. I understand that certain people who might read this will either be offended or think this too personal and will ask me to take it down. I will NOT allow anyone to push me to remove this. The best way to get a point across is with personal experience.)
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I met this guy (we'll call him J) on Tinder. I was going through a pretty tough breakup and thought that maybe if I found another guy to mack on, it would help me get over Mike (my ex). I talked to a couple guys and added a few on Snapchat. There was one in particular that was very persistent. After adding him on Snapchat, he was always trying to talk to me. The only reason I swiped right on him was because he looked like Mike. He started to creep me out a little (I would never actually go meet someone or talk to someone from Tinder for more than a few days), so I blocked him. Twice. How that happened, I just don't know. How he got unblocked and I actually started talking to him? Beats me. But it happened. There was a weekend my parents went out of town and for some reason, I was talking to him and we decided to meet. At first, I thought he would just be a new friend. But after meeting him, I kinda liked him. 3 days after meeting him, I became his girlfriend.
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I should have known the first day I hung out with him and his friends that it wasn't going to work out. I drove to Mesquite at 11:30 at night to see him. He had some friends over playing poker and getting drunk/stoned/whatever. It was also the first time I found out what a dab was (we'll talk more about that later). They were all much older than me. I was only 18 and they were all over 21. They were all intimidating to me, but eventually I ended up liking them. By the time I got to his house, everyone was pretty messed up. Being the shy person that I am, I was sitting at the corner of the table, just watching everyone interact with each other. J was drunk as hell. I've never actually seen someone that drunk in real life. At the time, it was cute because I got to take care of him. But seeing the way he was with other people was weird. I always saw him as the annoying guy in the group that no one really liked but they keep him around for whatever reason. He was sitting next to me trying to be all affectionate towards me. I looked around at the way his friends were looking at us. They seemed a bit weary. Maybe I was reading them wrong, but the looks I got told me that they were a bit worried for me. Like they knew something I didn't. They knew how he was with women. I was scared, but I overlooked it.
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I remember one day, I told him that I was afraid of him. I asked him, "If I were to talk to any of your exes, would they tell me that you were abusive?" He told me there was one time that he had a girl, and whenever they were arguing, she would shut down. She would NOT talk to him. There was one day they were fighting in the car and he grabbed her face to look at him and he yelled at her "talk to me!" I didn't think it was that bad. But oh how I wish I knew he was lying. There was so much more....
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July 22, 2015
Sometimes I feel like you want me to be one of your buddies. I am not your friend. I am your girlfriend. You can't talk to me like you would them. I'm supposed to get special treatment. If you're planning on making me your wife, there are things that are gonna have to change.  I am not okay with you smoking a bunch of weed everyday or doing any kind of drugs. I am not okay with you drinking all the time with your friends. I don't want to move in with you because the way you are now, I'm afraid nothing will change.

We had only been together 2 months when I wrote this. 2 months and we had already said "I love you." 2 months and we were already talking about getting married and having children. 2 months and we were already fighting. 2 months and I already tried breaking up with him a few times.
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My birthday was on July 30. I had asked him to come over at 8am so we could spend as much time together as possible. I had the entire day planned out. The night before, I told him the plan and he told me that he wasn't gonna make it until at least 10 because he would be too tired to even wake up at 8. Do I care? No. It was MY BIRTHDAY! We got into a fight over the phone and I hung up so I couldn't say anything that might hurt him. He texted me immediately saying he wasn't coming at all. I was beyond angry. I was crying hot tears and I could feel the redness on my face. Eventually he called me back saying he would get there when he could, which then happened to be almost noon. I was starving and all I wanted was to go eat with him. I had to pay for it because he was broke. He was broke a lot. Like, throughout the entire relationship, he was broke. Even when he got a new job that paid really decent, he was still broke. I took this as a sign saying he needed me because I'm great with money. But it doesn't matter how smart you are. You can't fix stupid.

In the relationships I get into, I try to give my all to the person. That's what you're supposed to do right? I did my best to make J happy. I tried so hard to comfort him when he was upset. I gave him everything I could. But rarely did he return it. He bought me almost dead flowers and chocolate once... How sweet. He would tell me all the time that he loved me and that I was his princess, but to me, words are just words if your actions don't support them. Most of the relationship, I felt like I was manipulated into staying with him. I felt as if he was selling himself to me all the time. And being the nice, quiet, submissive girlfriend that I was, I always took him back.
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September 9, 2015
I remember this day really well, partially because it was such a weird experience, but also because I wrote it all down in my journal. I went to see J because he had a rough night. He had been kicked out of his house and I think he got into a fight with two different people, one being his dad. I never liked the way he talked to his parents. Every time he would talk negatively to his mother, I would call him out on it. Then he would tell me he was being respectful to her. If swearing and yelling at your mom over nothing important is respectful, then I would never want you to be the father of my children. I would NEVER allow my kids to talk to me like that.

So on this day, I went over to J's house. I had planned to just hang out with him, maybe go shopping, eat pizza, do something to get out of the house. I told him up front that for one day, I would like to not have sex. I wanted to see if we could get along without all that. HA! An hour into hanging out, we talked and fought. He made me cry twice. I think this was the first time he got physically aggressive with me. He said something that really hurt my feelings and I got up to leave. I told him that just because he was in a bad mood/situation that he put himself in, it doesn't mean he has to be an asshole to me. As I was about to leave, he pulled me back and held onto me. Not in a cute romantic way, but like in an angry "you're not going anywhere" kinda way. Think of the lyric in that Rihanna/Eminem song Love The Way You Lie:

Where you going, I'm leaving you
No you ain't, come back

But imagine him saying it the angry way he does in the song. It's scary. Somehow, I forgave him. I told myself that he was in a bad place and he just needed to let it out. Now I see that it doesn't matter how he was feeling. You don't take that crap out on your girl.

So a little while later, he offers me some medicinal marijuana from California. I didn't smoke often at the time and I didn't really know what the difference was between strains, so I went ahead and took a few rips from the bong. I just want to say, after the second or third rip, I was in heaven. I was having the time of my life. (If you haven't read my post It's Okay To Be Happy, I talked about the high there.) I was "asleep" for a few minutes until I felt hands running up my thighs. I gasped and shot up from the bed. My head was spinning. Jordan helped me up and into the bathroom to brush my teeth. For a minute, I stood in the corner of the bathroom facing the wall, feeling the music beating and pulsing throughout my body. J turned me around and started shaking me back to earth.

Written in the journal:

As soon as I made eye contact with him, I was sad. I couldn't hide the feelings I had been having for weeks. I no longer "loved" this guy. I no longer wanted to be with him. He wasn't good for me. I have all this potential and he was holding me back. He didn't care about me. He didn't love me. I was good in bed. I was open-minded. I was a daydream to him. He was infatuated with me. He thought I was annoying, that I have bad anxiety, that I complain about things I shouldn't worry about. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me. Who only thinks about them self. I am a goddess and should be treated as such.

As soon as I realized my feelings, I quickly put on my happy face. I didn't want to leave for fear of not being able to drive. So I pretended to enjoy myself. 

The next thing I remember was be sobbing and crying. There was this burning sensation running from my stomach to my throat. Back and forth. It hurt. It's like the feeling you get when you really want to say something but you don't have the balls to do it... Only 1000x worse. 

I cried a lot that day. I remember he took me to go get pizza and I told him I wanted a Mountain Dew Code Red, but he wanted Voltage. For some reason, I was offended by this. I am not a big fan of Voltage. Like, I'll drink it, but if Code Red is available, I'm all about that. To this day I'm still upset about it. We actually had an argument about it in the middle of Little Caeaser's. Yes I was extremely high. But still!

So we got back to his house and his mom and sister were home. They had just got a new puppy and they were messing around with it in his parents bedroom. He walked in there and started playing with it while I just stood in the living room, slowly spinning around and looking out the window. I could feel them looking at me, and I heard them say I could go in there. I didn't want to because I didn't want them to know how high I was. I walked in and I think I said, "It's weird being in someone else's parents bedroom." And then I just stood there. They were all talking but I have no idea what they were saying. J took me back into his room and put on a movie. I hated that he was acting all normal while I'm over here tripping balls. I especially hated that he made me talk to people in that state. All I wanted to do was just relax and calm myself down. But once again, he was very persistent on having sex. He kept trying to come onto me. I was sitting up in bed and he tried to get my attention. When I looked back at him, he had pulled out his... you know... thinking that it might somehow get me in the mood. (Side note: guys, just because you show us your dicks does NOT make us horny. In fact, for most of us, it completely turns us off. Stop sending dick picks. Thanks.) I yelled at him to put it away and told him "Do you not understand the meaning of 'no?'" He was good for a minute until I fell back on the bed so I could cuddle him. I wanted to take a nap, but he still had sex on the mind. He kissed me on the forehead, like a cutie should. But then he started taking it further. We started making out, and I was okay with that. But he was moving his hands to places I didn't want. He was touching me and trying to take off my clothes. I tried pushing away, but he was strong. I stopped kissing him and got free before he could take anything off. I yelled at him once again. Something along the lines of, "Oh my god! Are you stupid? I said no!" And he just replies to me, "I thought you were kidding?"
-___-

I laid back down, emotionless, facing towards him. I told him that I didn't want to be with him. I said what was on my heart. I was calm. He was crying. "Why are you doing this to me?" I said nothing. I just held him as he cried himself to sleep. Then I got up to leave. Before I could make it out the door, he woke up and begged me to sit down and talk to him. I wasn't having it. "No, I don't want to talk." We got into a fight and I somehow managed to get backed into a corner and I was terrified. I was so afraid that he was going to hit me. But oh I wish he would have. That would have been the end of that relationship and I wouldn't be going through any of the crap I'm going through now. I finally made it to the door and started walking to my car. His family was outside playing with the new puppy. J walked me to my car. When I got in, he looks back at his family then looks to me, "you're sure you wanna do this? Right now?" I'm just thinking, uh yeah? I don't care if your family is watching. I want them to know how terrible of a person you are. Unfortunately, I left my glasses in his room and I was not about to drive stoned and sight-less. So we walked back in there, and like the immature child he is, he grabs my glasses and throws them at me. "Wow, real mature," I say then turn to go back outside. Before I could even take a step, he pulls my hair (pretty hard) and tells me to stay so we can talk. Okay, no. Then we went through the whole thing again. He pulls on me, begging me to stay. I get scared. I leave again. As I'm driving home and the whole night after, he's calling me. He's threatening to kill himself and even sending me death threats like "I hope you crash and die." Seriously? I was so glad to be home and away from him.

I blocked his number and didn't talk to him for a few days. But somehow, someway, we ended up back together. After that, I would fight him all the time. He was constantly trying to win me back. He was always telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me and whatnot. But he would still make me feel bad about myself verbally. I was so stupid. We would breakup pretty much once or twice a week after that.
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*TRIGGER WARNING. THIS NEXT STORY IS VERY GRAPHIC. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.*
The next incident I remember was when I came back from a trip from Wichita Falls. My last day off from work I had planned to stay with J that night. I drove 3 hours from Wichita Falls to Mesquite. I was so excited to see him. By this time, I had completely forgiven him for what had happened. When I got to his house, we decided to smoke a few bowls. I was still on a high from over the weekend, so it didn't take much for me to get stoned. I wanted to get high and then have sex to see what that would feel like. We went into the bedroom and started messing around. The music was playing, I was having a great time, but he wasn't feeling it. I remember trying my absolute hardest to get him in the mood. But he couldn't. I had already had two orgasms just on my own. When I told him, he said, "okay, now it's my turn." It felt like he forced himself inside me. A lot of the time when we were doing it, I enjoyed it for awhile, but then it just started hurting. This was one of those times where I was done. Like I could not take anymore. It hurt a lot. But he kept going, because I didn't say anything.

So after that, we went over to one of his friends houses to watch a football game and just hang out. This was when I had my first dab (concentrated THC). I will not lie, it was fun at first. I was rolling on the ground playing with a tiny little dog. Then they took me into the living room and turned on Rick and Morty. That was mind blowing. Then after the show, we were all getting ready to leave. I was sad because I didn't want to go with J. I was scared. And I tried my hardest to send that signal to one of his friends, but either they didn't pick up on that, or they didn't know what to do. It's not like they could just say to J, "Hey let me take her." We got back to the house and I immediately just wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to look at him. I just wanted this miserable night to be over. I knew once again, I couldn't drive myself home. Not only was it super late, but I was wayyyyy too messed up. I was laying in bed, just trying to fall asleep, a couple tears falling because I couldn't enjoy my high. J started playing some video game and I think he was talking to me. Next thing I remember, he very forcefully turned me over and yelled in my face, "are you fucking other guys?" Now, at this time, we were in a weird state of our relationship where we were not "exclusive." But still, I wasn't even talking to other guys and he told me he wouldn't ever want another girl. "No." I turned back over to go to sleep and I hear him mumbling something about me being a whore and a bitch. Next thing I remember, I got up because I was going to leave. I was no longer going to put up with this. I was done. I tried grabbing my stuff, but once again, he tried pulling me back so we could "talk." He backed me into the same corner and I guess he got it this time that I was scared. He got on his knees and begged for me to stay. "You can't drive home like this. Please just stay." I knew I was still messed up, but I didn't care. I needed to get out of there. I think I was yelling in hopes of getting the attention of someone else in the house. Hoping that someone would come to my rescue, but no one did. I managed to get out of there. At 2 in the morning, I was driving back to my house, stoned. And I had never felt better.

This is what I wrote when I got home:
I need marijuana in my life. This is the greatest feeling on earth. I just want to get higher. I feel like the real me. I jeft J and I don't care. I have zero emotional attachment to him. He is a terrible person. I understand now. It makes sense. I love marijuana. It gives me good vibes and I got bad vibes from J. It makes me sad and kills my high. I just want someone who gives me good vibes. That person will forever be my person. I need to find someone on my wave length and vibe level. I miss W (one of J's friends from that night). I was getting such good vibes from him. He made me happy. He could have taken care of me. I want someone to want me to enjoy my high and would cater to me so I can enjoy my high. So I can have one long trance, with no interruption. Someone who understands the experience I'm having. The spiritual experience. 

Then it just got weird:
She was a beautiful young thing. She was beautiful inside and out. She's such a good person. Only releasing good vibes to people. The earth is such a good place. We need to take care of it. It gives us what we need and we destroy it. Marijuana is so good for you. The earth is good. We are all together in helping earth. It's up to us.

But alas, nothing after that had changed. We still talked. We "got back together." Yes we were getting into fights, but I think I had started becoming more affectionate towards him. One week after the dab incident, his birthday came up on the 12 of October and we were gonna go to the fair together. The night before, I had planned to arrive at his house around 5am so we could sleep together in the morning. Unfortunately, he had gotten drunk and I had to wait almost 5 hours for him to open the door that morning. Here's the thing, I called him over 100 times that morning and texted him excessively so he could wake up. He finally called me back around 7:30 to tell me to calm down and he'll open the door in a second. I waited another 45 minutes and left twice because I was so frustrated. Finally I went and kinda banged on the door. He came and slightly opened it saying, "You're gonna be mad." He opens the door all the way and what do you know? Another girl is standing there. I look at him, look at her, then just walk back to my car and start it. I start pulling away then J gets in the way of the car. If he wouldn't have managed to open my car door, I would have hit him and felt no remorse. He tells me we can talk about this. By now, I am crying and red and just beyond angry. I was screaming. like actually SCREAMING at him. Something along the lines of, "How could you do this to me? You knew I was gonna be here at . You told me to be here at 5! You keep me waiting for 5 hours only to show me this? Who is she and what the fuck is she doing here?" I wish I could have that on film or something because writing it in words will not captivate the heavy emotions I felt. I was broken right there. He told me she just needed a place to stay for the night. I didn't care. If we were together, he shouldn't be doing any girls those kind of favors. I don't know how, but he got me to turn off the car and come inside. We talked, we fought. I yelled at him a bunch. He tried holding me down. I was not feeling it. But something told me to calm down. It was his birthday, and I really did want to make it good for him, even though he totally ruined mine. He went outside to my car to get my bag because I asked him to, and after losing all of his trust, I went through his phone. And what do you know? I found exactly what I didn't want to find. He had been talking (flirting) to several girls the few days before I came to see him. When he came back in the room, I told him to give me stuff. I was leaving. Again. I told him I went through his phone and saw what I saw. And like last time, he held me down. But I was fighting back this time. I was screaming and crying. At first he lied to me saying that he wasn't talking to other girls. But I told him exactly what I saw. He tried to make up excuses, "I was entertaining her. She's not even cute. I never even met her." He was only making it worse. I tried so hard to get away from him, but he kept holding me down telling me to stop. I got to the very furthest part of the bed that I could, just to stay away from him and I just cried. Loudly. Of all that screaming and crying, all we got from anyone in that house was a text from his mom telling us to keep it down. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

I don't know what happened, but I calmed down again and went on the rest of the day like nothing happened. I felt bad because it was his birthday. We went to the fair, and had a good time. I told him I loved him repeatedly, he returned it. It was like when we first started dating. I didn't say anything about the real issue again until the next day. I brought it up over text. I knew the problem had to be addressed. From the conclusion I drew, he had already been sleeping with other girls. He had slept with that girl I saw in his doorway. Right there is where I drew the line. Once you cheat, it's all over for me. Which is strange, you would think I would have drawn the line at attempted rape... But we're taught by media and movies that this is okay. That aggression and being physical is cute and means that they love you. It's not okay. They do not love you if they hurt you. That day was the official end of our relationship.
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Not two days later, he started dating another girl, who happened to be one of my guy friend's little sister. (I didn't find out until a week later.) That's sick. That night, he had called me to tell me that I was amazing and beautiful, and strong and that I don't deserve what he did to me and that one day I'm gonna find a guy that treats me so much better. The day I found out he was dating that other girl, he had put a picture on Instagram of her. I texted him asking him to block me so I couldn't see his stuff. Then he texted me back saying, "you block me bitch." Okay, that was 100% unnecessary. That was when I realized.... The way he would talk about his ex, it was all a lie. In the beginning of our relationship, he would call her a bitch and a cunt and tell me all these bad things about her. I believed him until now. Because I knew he was saying the exact same things about me to his new girl, I'm sure. I got into contact with the ex before me (she will go unnamed). I asked her about their relationship. Was he abusive? Why did y'all break up?

This is what she sent me:
There are many reasons why we broke up. He was pretty immature. I didn't like how he was addicted to that stupid e-cig (although I guess it was better than the weed and regular cigarettes he smoked when we first started dating). He drank a lot. He was very needy and clingy to me. He didn't treat his mom well either and that always bothered me. The time I knew it had to end, it was on a night we had been fighting. I went in my sisters room and locked myself in there just because I didn't want to talk to him. He broke the door to get in there and pinned me to the bed, shook me a few times, and yelled at me. He never hit me or anything, but that was enough for me. If I could describe my dad in two words it would be abusive alcoholic, and I could see Jordan turning into that. He is 22 and has been in jail twice for drugs and a DUI. So if you're upset about your breakup, please don't be. He has a lot of growing up to do and anger issues he needs to deal with.

That was earlier this morning (10/26/15). If you have read all of this and think I'm being a whiny bitch, you can go ahead and leave. Thank you. I just want to say that if you are ever scared of your significant other in any way, please get out of that relationship a quick as possible. I am sorry to all of the girls/guys who are in these relationships, but are completely blinded. And I am sorry to any future girlfriend of J's. I hope you see the signs much quicker than I did and get out as soon as possible.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Be safe.
- Rachael

Note to J,
I hope you realize the kind of person you are. I hope you understand and fix yourself. And I hope that one day you will possibly treat one girl right. I would recommend being single for a while. It might be helpful for you. I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did. Honestly, you are the worst boyfriend I have ever had. You make Michael look like Jesus Christ. But I will never shed a tear over you. You are not worth it. You are a terrible person and I really hope you see that.